I Am Not A Southern Woman

I am not a Southern Woman. To my grandparents chagrin, I will never be a Southern Woman and it is living in Arkansas that helped me come to this realization. It is not that I don't want to be. I come from a long line of strong, southern pioneers, on my mother's side, who traveled these lands in covered wagons wielding shotguns and lassos and all that other cowboy frontier stuff.  It is amazing to think my ancestors -not the Italian ones- wore cowboy boots on the regular when I feel like I am putting on a costume every time I slip into my red boots. How can something that runs in your blood feel so foreign and unnatural? Is there not a thing called soul memory? It is like muscle memory but passed down through generations. I digress..

The Reasons I am Not a Southern Woman

1. It seems most southern women are able to achieve a perfect relaxed wave/curly thing in their hair. I have tried and no matter what I do, mine turns out to be crinkles. Thus, when crinkled hair comes into style, I've got that shit on lock down.
2. Football isn't my sport. I don't get it. I've tried. It doesn't click. I like baseball. Baseball makes sense. Baseball tushes are the best tushes. 
3. I think pick up trucks are weird looking.  
4. Sometimes that Southern drawl drawls on for way to long. I'll take that quick, direct Northeastern accent any day of the week.
5. I burn cornbread. 
6. I don't understand the difference between Red Dirt Country and regular Country...is it more dirty? I'm not sure. 
7. I can't pull off that Southern Sass that is both cute and sexy at the same time. When I do it, people just assume I'm pissed. So now I avoid it at all costs. 
8. It is so quite here at night. Sometimes I find myself hoping that an alarm goes off or someone feels the need to use their horn...this brings me to...
9. Rarely ever does anyone use their horn. I don't get it. In the NE it is used as a form of conversation. My Uncle Frank, regularly says "hey" via car horn when he enters the highway and he is usually met with replies of varying degrees.  When I lived in Texas, I was once pulled over for frivolous honking. That's a thing apparently...and I still don't apologize. 
10. Lastly I am not a Southern Woman because I am not into Cowboys. This is the automatic disqualifyer. I should just stop trying